1 Agenda
Apart from a prompt start and finish, times listed are approximate guidelines only:
-1:45 Secretary connects to welcome early attendees
+0:00 (prompt) Opening Serenity Prayer
+0:01 Opening
+0:02 Introduction
+0:04 The 12 Steps
+0:06 The 12 Traditions
+0:08 Silence
+0:09 Group Introductions
+0:10 Group Business (including Welcome to Newcomers)
+0:15 The Focus - Step 1 or other presentation, or Step or other reading
+0:25 General Sharing (omit for Step 1 presentations)
+0:56 The Promises
+0:58 Closing
+1:00 (prompt) Close for Chat, or Group Conscience
+1:05 Opening a Group Conscience (if scheduled)
+1:10 Group Conscience discussion (if scheduled)
+1:45 (prompt) Closing a Group Conscience (if scheduled)
2 Opening Serenity Prayer (+0:00 prompt)
Secretary: Please will you help me open the meeting with the Serenity Prayer, using the word 'God' as you do or do not understand it:
All at will: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.
3 Opening (about +0:01)
Secretary: Welcome! This is the Friday Global Skype Meeting of Sex Addicts Anonymous.
S.A.A. is a fellowship of men and women who share our experience, strength and hope with each other so that we may stop our addictive sexual behaviour and help others to recover from sexual addiction and dependency.
Membership is open to all who share a desire to stop our addictive sexual behaviour and are willing to try to follow this simple programme. The programme is based on the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous, but we are not affiliated with A.A. or any other organisation or agency. We are not aligned with any religion, sect or denomination. Our only connection with the organisation that operates this service is that of a user of meeting space.
This group is self-supporting from the voluntary contributions of our members. We receive no outside donations. There are no fees or dues. Members pay their own telephone charges. You are free to contribute to our work as you see fit.
This is not a place to meet sexual partners, nor is it group therapy. We try to listen respectfully to what others have to say and to share our own experience as it seems appropriate. We do not give advice. Literature including approved pamphlets and the Sex Addicts Anonymous Green Book is available from amazon.com (and likely available in all countries through amazon or another book seller) – you can ask me for contact details after the meeting closes (currently info@pornaddictioninfo.com).
Anonymity is a cornerstone of the Twelve Step Programme. We use only our first names. Whatever our status or position outside of this group is not an issue here. Our common bond is our desire to stop our addictive sexual behaviour and to live sexually healthy lives. Whatever you hear in this space, let it stay here when you leave.
We hope you will join in sharing the collective experience, strength and hope that is ours when we work the programme and trust our higher power to deliver the promises. If you are new or having a trying time, remember that others of us have been there too.
Keep coming back! It works!
4 The Problem (volunteer, about +0:02)
Many of us find that our histories have several characteristics in common. Early on, as children and adolescents, we had come to feel disconnected - from siblings and peers, from parents and from ourselves. We felt inadequate, unworthy, alone and afraid. Our insides never matched what we saw on the outsides of others. We lost the ability to trust in others to fulfil our needs for nurturing and security. To compensate for our loss we started to develop a reliance upon sexual experience as a way of escaping the pain and the emptiness of our lives. Some of us feared beign sexual at all - we weren't able to see that our sexuality was healthy and God-given.
Looking for love in all the wrong places, we became true addicts:- promiscuity, dependent relationships, abusive relationships, pornography, compulsive masturbation, anonymous sexual encounters, and much more besides. We got it through the eyes. We bought it, we sold it, we traded it, we gave it away. Addicted to the tease, to the forbidden, to the 'high', we abused others and we abused ourselves.
In a vicious downward spiral of despair we acted out to try to take away our pain, but this only increased our self-hatred which, sooner or later, we would try to ease again by acting out. The more we did it the more difficult it was for us to stop. We risked our relationships, our jobs, our health, our freedom, even our lives. We felt guilty, ashamed and in pain, and we were driven ever inwards, away from reality, away from love, lost inside ourselves.
Our addiction made true intimacy impossible. Lust killed love. We took from others to fill up what was lacking in ourselves, and, in desperate search of the Big Fix, we turned other human beings into objects of our gratification. We could never know true intimacy with another because we were addicted to the unreal, the chemistry, the intoxication and the intensity of the pursuit. We looked for the instant hit, the danger, the connection that had the magic, because it bypassed intimacy and true union with another, which we feared more than death. Conning ourselves time and again that the next one would save us, we were really losing our lives.
In the solution, by surrendering again and again to the discipline of meeting with each other, we find that people, without knowing it, through the honest revelation of their own lives, confront us with our disease as it really is; and, by bringing our disease out of the shadows and into the light of the meeting, we deprive it of its source of power, which is in our secrecy and shame. As time passes, we gradually realise that we are coming to accept ourselves and to recognise that we really do have worth and value. Our healing has already begun.
The 12 Steps (volunteer, about +0:04)
The Twelve Steps of Sex Addicts Anonymous and the ?gTradition of the Month?h
1. We admitted we were powerless over addictive sexual behaviour - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood God.
4. Made a fearless and searching moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked God to remove all our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to all such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other sex addicts and to practise these principles in all areas of our lives.
Secretary: I will now read this month's Tradition (read the Tradition for the current month e.g. Tradition 1 for January, 7 for July)
5 The 12 Traditions (volunteer, about +0:06)
The Twelve Traditions of Sex Addicts Anonymous
1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon S.A.A. unity.
2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority - a loving God as may be expressed in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.
3. The only requirement for membership in S.A.A. is a desire to stop addictive sexual behaviour.
4. Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or S.A.A. as a whole.
5. Each group has but one primary purpose - to carry its message to the addict who still suffers.
6. Our fellowship ought never to endorse, finance, or lend its name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.
7. Each group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.
8. Sex Addicts Anonymous should remain forever non-professional, but our service centres may employ special workers.
9. S.A.A. as such, ought never be organised; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.
10. Sex Addicts Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the S.A.A. name ought never be drawn into public controversy.
11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, TV and films.
12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.
6 Silence (about +0:08)
Secretary: Please can we have a few moments silence in which to reflect on why we are here and to think of the still suffering addict.
Sufficient silence for reflection and thinking - usually about 20 - 30 seconds.
Secretary: Thank you.
7 Group Introductions (about +0:09)
Secretary: We now come to Group Introductions in which we each introduce ourselves by our first name only, any short description that might be appropriate and if we wish, our bottom lines and how we are feeling at this moment.
Starting with the secretary each member in turn introduces themselves and the rest of the group responds by greeting them by their first name. This style of introduction and group greeting is used every time a member speaks during the meeting, except when reading.
8 A Letter To Newcomers (about +0:10, only if newcomers are present)
Secretary: Since this is (name(s)) first meeting I will read the letter to newcomers:
Dear Newcomer,
Welcome to S.A.A.. When we came to our first meeting many of us were having a variety of feelings. We were relieved to have found a place where our pain and despair might be understood. We were angry that we had to get help and couldn?ft manage this part of our lives. We felt lonely and were ashamed of our sexual history. We had secrets that we were reluctant to share. We were distrustful, guarded and frightened. We had been abused and we had abused others. We were sex addicts and needed help.
The programme of S.A.A. is patterned after the Twelve Step Programme of Alcoholics Anonymous. Here we learn a new way of living. We learn, at our own pace, to experience intimacy and sharing with others in a healthy way. We learn to trust; to express our feelings; to ask for our needs to be met; to say no when no is appropriate; and to stay around when all we want to do is run. Here no one shames us for what we have done or are still doing. Here we have a safe harbour within which to heal, and for that we are grateful.
The only requirement for membership in S.A.A. is a desire to stop compulsive sexual behaviours. It is a programme of progress, not perfection. If you are willing to be honest and have a desire to have and maintain healthy relationships, then you are in the right place.
It is suggested that you attend at least six meetings before you decide whether the programme is for you. At your first meeting we encourage you to talk to others and exchange telephone numbers with those you relate to. We also suggest that you select a temporary sponsor to assist you in learning the basics. The selection process is easy: all you do is ask someone you relate to (to whom you are not sexually attracted) is they would be willing to be your temporary sponsor until you learn your way around. At a later date, after you have got to know us better, we suggest you choose a permanent sponsor or co-sponsor.
Although anonymity is a core tradition on which the programme depends, you should be aware that some people may decide after careful thought to report certain disclosures to the authorities.
In addition to attending meetings and talking with others we suggest you read our primary text Sex Addicts Anonymous and the S.A.A. pamphlets available via Intergroup. We also recommend Hope and Recovery, Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes, Women, Sex and Addiction by Charlotte Kasl, and Alcoholics Anonymous (The Big Book).
We are happy that you are here, for it is the newcomer that keeps S.A.A. alive and well. We encourage you to take it ONE DAY AT A TIME, BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF, and KEEP COMING BACK.
9 Group Business (about +0:10)
Secretary: We now come to Group Business. If anyone has any business to bring before the group this is the time to do it.
Any member may introduce themselves again and bring business notices or queries before the meeting. Simple decisions may be decided by consensus within Group Business but more complex or important decisions must be deferred by consensus to a Group Conscience Meeting, which must take place with at least one week's notice immediately after a normal meeting.
Secretary: If there is no further group business ...
10 The Focus (about +0:15)
Secretary: ... we come to the focus for this week's meeting. [FRIDAY MEETINGS – Thursday Meetings do the tools in week 2 and the presentation in week 3)]
A focus can be pre-arranged with the volunteer acting as focus co-ordinator, but by default the following types of focus are used each week of the month:
First week - Step reading of the month
Thursday meeting: The reading or part of the reading from the Sex Addicts Anonymous book for the step corresponding to the month, eg January Step 1, December Step
12. Friday Meeting: the step that is six months away from that i.e. July: step 1 and June Step 12.
Second week - Presentation
A presentation on a related topic by a volunteer, usually as arranged earlier by or with the focus co-ordinator.
Third week - Tools of the programme
See 'Tools of the programme' overleaf
Fourth week - Reading of the day
A reading from any suitable literature especially the Sex Addicts Anonymous book or the daily reading from 'Answers in the Heart'. A volunteer can read an entire section or volunteers having access to the same book can take turns to read paragraphs.
Fifth week - Any of the above or other recovery focus
11 Tools of the Programme (about +0:15, only if selected as this week's focus)
Secretary: The Tools of the Programme. I will read aloud a non-exhaustive list of some tools which others have found useful. Members will then be invited to share for up to one minute on their use of these or any other tools:
Anonymity and Confidentiality
Abstinence Boundaries
Sponsorship Affirmations
Literature Meetings
Contracts Phone Lists
Gratitude Traditions
Journaling Service
Humour Prayer
Exercise Meditation
Honesty Slogans
The Twelve Steps
Boundaries around sex between group members.
Secretary: Members are invited to share for up to one minute - that's 60 seconds - on their use of these or any other tools.
12 Introduction to First Step Presentation (about +0:15, for First Step Presentations only)
Secretary: (name), you are about to share with us your First Step. We acknowledge and affirm your courage in taking this step. We want to clarify some things about this experience for each of us.
The primary purpose for you giving this formal first step presentation is to aid you in your programme of recovery. It need not be done to please the group, or gain status. There is no right or wrong way to give a First Step. Any effort you make is legitimate.
Here are some suggestions which others who have gone before have found helpful. We encourage you to be specific about your behaviours and to speak from your heart in order for you to be in touch with the pain and reality of your addiction. Try not to bury yourself in shame. Let us hear you, not your addict speaking.
The group has a responsibility to be loving, caring and accepting of you. The members will avoid judging you, giving advice to you or "taking care" of you.
If you wish you may request that no one interrupt you during your presentation. However, several members have affirmed that on reflection such interruptions have helped to guide them and to make the First Step experience more meaningful. Regardless of your choice in this matter, if you have not finished your presentation by then, I will let you know when 15 minutes of our meeting time remains. This will allow you a few minutes to complete your presentation and allow time for members to share what it was like being with you through this process.
If you do not finish you may have more time next week. Remember, we are here for you!
May God grant you serenity.
13 General Sharing (about +0:25, not for First Step Presentations)
Secretary: We now come to General Sharing.
Please be aware of the time, so that all members may get a chance to share. Try, if you can, to keep your sharing to within three to five minutes.
We encourage you to bring into the light of the meeting those behaviours and experiences which cause you shame; to deprive them of their power which is in their secrecy.
Please however, in your use of language, be sensitive to the safety of others. Please, also, avoid naming specific places, publications, broadcasts or services.
We do not have to check in if we don't want to.
We can ask for feed-back, though we don't have to ask for or give feed-back.
Feed-back is not advice, criticism or analysis.
When we give feed-back we do not talk about ourselves.
It is an attempt to mirror what we hear; to help the other person towards the feelings behind their words.
We do not interrupt each other, and we do not ask questions or engage in discussion.
We each need to be aware of the time, so that every member of the group has time to share, and to receive feed-back if he or she wants it.
The time is now (time) and General Sharing will finish at (time).
Please introduce yourself if you wish to share.
The meeting is open.
14 Personal Responses (by +0:50, for First Step Presentations only)
Secretary: Thank you (name) for sharing your First Step.
We now come to Personal Responses.
Group members share about what it was like being with you as you presented your First Step. This is effectively a form of feedback, though they may want to identify with you by reference to their own experience.
The meeting is now open.
15 The Seventh Tradition (about +0:55)
Secretary: We now come to the Seventh Tradition.
May I remind everyone of the Seventh Tradition, that is, that every S.A.A. group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.
Members pay their own telephone charges. If you can afford to give a little extra, then donations to the London UK Intergroup will help all of us in our recovery.
16 The Promises (volunteer, about +0:56)
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone we will see how our experiences can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realise that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises?
All at will: We think not.
Volunteer: They are being fulfilled among us: sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialise if we work for them.
17 Closing (about +0:58)
Secretary:
For First Step Presentations only: May I remind all members that a First Step can bring up a lot of feelings, both for the person giving their First Step and for other members. These feelings may come up during the course of the following few days.
For all meetings: In closing:
The opinions expressed here tonight were strictly those of the person who gave them. Take what you like and leave the rest.
The things that you heard were spoken in confidence and should be treated as confidential. Keep them within the walls of this room and the confines of your mind. Remember that anonymity is a core tradition on which the programme depends.
Whatever problems you have, there are those among us who have had them too. If you keep an open mind, you will find help. Let us talk to one another and reason things out but let us not gossip or criticise each other. Instead let the understanding, love and peace of the programme grow in each of us one day at a time.
Will you join me in the closing serenity prayer, standing and holding hands metaphorically if you wish, using the word God as you understand it.
All at will: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.
Opening a Group Conscience (about +1:06 if scheduled)
Secretary: Welcome! This is the Group Conscience of the Saturday Evening Telephone Meeting of Sex Addicts Anonymous.
A Group Conscience is a special decision-making meeting for the group to consider an issue that it is felt requires more time than could be given during the regular meeting. This Group Conscience was called to consider [describe briefly the reason for the Group Conscience]
Decisions are normally by unanimous agreement, but many meetings also agree to conform to a majority vote if necessary. We have scheduled a maximum of 45 minutes for this Group Conscience. If we have not reached an agreement by 19:45 we can schedule another Group Conscience. In any case I will summarise any decisions and progress made and record them in the meeting notes.
18 Group Conscience discussion (about +1:10 if scheduled)
Secretary: The Group Conscience is open for discussion. Please introduce your contributions by your first name and any short description that might be appropriate.
19 Closing a Group Conscience (by +1:45 if scheduled)
Secretary:
either: This Group Conscience has decided [briefly describe the group decision]
or: Unfortunately the group has indicated that this question needs more time but the time scheduled for this Group Conscience is up. Any member may call for another Group Conscience if further discussion is required. We must close now but we have made the following progress [briefly describe progress made]
in any case:
In closing:
The opinions expressed here tonight were strictly those of the person who gave them. Take what you like and leave the rest.
The things that you heard were spoken in confidence and should be treated as confidential. Keep them within the walls of this room and the confines of your mind. Remember that anonymity is a core tradition on which the programme depends.
Whatever problems you have, there are those among us who have had them too. If you keep an open mind, you will find help. Let us talk to one another and reason things out but let us not gossip or criticise each other. Instead let the understanding, love and peace of the programme grow in each of us one day at a time.
Will you join me in the closing serenity prayer, standing and holding hands if you wish, using the word God as you understand it.
All at will: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.
All at will: Keep coming back, it works if you work it - so work it, you're worth it!