Revised: April 19, 2010 This telemeeting is managed through freeconference.com. SAA is not affiliated with freeconference.com, but we are immensely grateful for this service. http://www.saa–recovery.org/Meetings/ElectronicMeetings/ The one hour meeting starts about: Use the world time–conversion site = http://www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/converter.html to find your correct time for this meeting. Enter the Date and Time as the Thursday Date and 9 pm into the time line. For the "Select Place to Convert From" Select: U.S.A. – Washington – Seattle. For the "Select Place to Convert To" Select a location in the same timezone, near you. Click the "Convert Time" button to find the meeting time in your timezone. Participation is voluntary, we avoid topics that can lead to dissension or distraction. If someone feels another is getting too explicit, you may hang–up and return a few minutes later. Unless the group desires it, we request no cross–talk please. We define cross–talk as commenting on what another has shared, directing comments toward one individual, asking questions or whispering while another is talking. The Newcomers reading is used when people new to the Sex Addiction Fellowships are present and who have not attend Remember to press *6 on your phone to mute when you are NOT talking I’d like to welcome our newcomers. The agenda we ordinarily use for this meeting is: the courage to change the things I can The rest of the Serenity Prayer Enjoying one moment at a time; Taking, as He did, this sinful world SAA is a fellowship of men and women who share our Membership is open to all who share a desire to stop Sex Addicts Anonymous is a spiritual program based on the principles We do not support, endorse, or oppose outside causes or issues. SAA is supported through voluntary contributions from members. This is not a place to meet sexual partners, nor is it group therapy. Anonymity is the cornerstone of the Twelve Step program. We use only We hope you join in sharing the collective experience, strength and hope Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program. They cannot develop a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. There are those, too, who suffer from serious emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps. At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But, we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have Remember that we dealing with sexual addiction – cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power – that One is God. May you find God now! Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked God’s protection and care with complete abandon. Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery. Many of us exclaimed, "What an order! I can’t go through with it." Do not be discouraged. No one among us had been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. Our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas: And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation–some fact of my life–unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my sex addiction, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes. Our primary purpose is to abstain from compulsive sexual behavior, and help others to achieve abstinence. A key component of SAA abstinence is that each member chooses his or her own abstinence definition, based on their own experience, and, in consultation with a sponsor and other members. Here are a few suggestions about the meaning of abstinence. Many of us have found it helpful to define our abstinence in terms of specific behaviors, rather than focusing on thoughts or feelings. Just as AA focuses on the need to stop the behavior of drinking, and OA focuses on compulsive eating as the point of abstinence, so SAA focuses on compulsive sexual acting–out. The lust of the mind may take years to drain away as one works the Twelve Steps of recovery; abstinence from the destructive and addictive behaviors, however, can begin today, and is the foundation upon which all subsequent personal growth depends. "Progress rather than perfection" is the atmosphere for growth that we seek to promote. Abstinence will often be different for different individual members of SAA, depending upon what behaviors are compulsive and lead to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. Some addicts can engage in sexual behaviors from which other addicts find they must abstain; we leave the choice up to the individual. Recovery is not only about eliminating harmful behaviors, We also seek a positive, healthy relationship with our sexuality, regardless of sexual orientation or marital status. We seek to lay the foundation for learning a new approach to the experience of sex and relationships which is healthy, honest, and intimate. Taken from http://pugetsoundsaa.org/our_lives_before.html We were sexually compulsive people. Despite our most heroic efforts and solemn promises, we were unable to turn away from behaviors and obsessions that were ruining our lives. We interpreted our lack of control as proof that we were bad or defective people, so we sought comfort by justifying our behaviors and sometimes reveling in them, or by denying our sexuality, and hiding in our shame. Our compulsions were at once our worst enemies and our most familiar sources of comfort. We could no longer deny the pain that our compulsive sexual behaviors had caused in our lives. Many of us experienced such dramatic consequences as divorce, disease, jail, or financial ruin before seeing that our lives had become unmanageable. Others among us were confronted about our behaviors by family, friends, or counselors, and were given a choice to seek help, or face yet more loss in our lives. When we learned of SAA, we began to hope again that our lives could be freed from our sexual compulsivity. We began to attend SAA meetings. We heard stories similar to ours and we heard how others in SAA were abstaining from their compulsive behaviors. We learned of the twelve suggested Steps of recovery, and when we began to apply them in our lives, we discovered that we, too, could abstain from our compulsive behaviors, with the help of our fellow addicts. We acquired the faith and courage to make appropriate changes in our lives, and to accept our daily problems as stepping stones for spiritual growth. As we continue in our recovery from sexual addiction, one day at a time, we are developing healthier sexuality, a stronger sense of personal integrity, and an ability to truly enjoy our lives. We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come, if your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us. Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. May God bless you and keep you – until then. (Alcoholics Anonymous, p.164) If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, Are these extravagant promises? They are being fulfilled among us, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. Thursday 9:05pm Pacific Telemeeting Readings: Thursday Night Live
Open means: s–recovery program members, counselors, family, friends, and anyone who respects our anonymity and confidentiality.
Mixed means: Both human males and females over 18 years of age are welcome.
For Meeting Phone # and Access Code see:
Important!
Because this is a telemeeting, the laws of all the states, provinces, and countries represented apply. To protect yourself and others in this meeting, please do not be specific as to when, where, with whom, or how you have acted out. In the event that you disclose actions that violate the law regarding underage, senior, or disabled victims, participants of the meeting may be required by law to violate the anonymity of the group and report this. So, talk instead about your thinking, feelings and emotions.
any Sex Addiction Meetings before, either face–to–face or telemeeting. Doing the newcomers readings is
a reminder to all of us as to where we have come. It is our way of welcoming new people to the fellowship. We all
entered our first meeting and were accepted by those there. This is our oppurtunity to return that favor. Typically,
the secretary reads all of the new member readings, but they are listed here so you can follow along.
and *6 again to un–mute your phone to talk.Table of Contents — Reading Links:
Typical Meeting Agenda
Agenda Based on Thursday of the Month
The Serenity Prayer (first 4 lines)
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
and the wisdom to know the difference.Living one day at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;The Opening
experience, strength and hope with each other so that we may
stop our compulsive sexual behaviors and help others to
recover from sexual addiction and dependency.
compulsive sexual behavior and are willing to try this simple program.
and traditions of Alcoholic Anonymous, but we are not affiliated
with AA or any other organization or agency. We are not a religious
organization or aligned with any sect or denomination. Our only
connection with FreeConference.com is as a user of their free
telemeeting service.
If you would like to contribute, click the "donate" link on the telemeeting
website home page at www.saatalk.org or call the International Service
Organization (ISO) of SAA at 1–800–477–8191.
We try to listen respectfully to what others have to say and to share
our experience as it seems appropriate. We do not give advice. While we
all strive for sexual sobriety, its achievement is not a requirement for
attendance or participation.
our first names. Whatever our status or position outside of this group is
not an issue here. Our common bond is our desire to stop our compulsive
sexual behaviors and to live sexually healthy lives. Anonymity and
confidentiality are essential to this being a safe place for all of us.
Whoever you see here, whatever you hear here, let it stay here when you
leave here. (Here, here)
that is ours when we work the program and trust our Higher Power to deliver
the promises.How it Works
tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.The 12 Steps of Sex Addicts Anonymous
The 12 Steps of Sex Addicts Anonymous
On Acceptance
The Abstinence Statement
Our Lives Before
Why We Came
Our Recovery
A Vision For Us
12 Traditions of Sex Addicts Anonymous
The AA/SAA Promises
WE THINK NOT!
The Ottawa Promises
Through a renewed Relationship with God, our Higher Power, the healing force of recovery will take hold in our hearts. By giving ourselves over to God, our Higher Power, and working our program, our lives will become manageable and we will be restored to sanity. We will receive the inner strength and support needed to face our anxieties and fears, and to deal with the painful feelings that feed our addiction.
Relations with Others will improve as we learn to respect our boundaries and allow others freedom to be themselves. Reaching out in trust and connecting with others will come easier, dispelling our sense of isolation and loneliness. Degrading fantasies and obsessive sexual thinking will diminish.
Relating to Ourselves, self absorption will give way to self–discovery; secrecy to honesty; feelings of unworthiness to dignity; and shame to grace. A restored integrity will guide our behavior. We will feel more alive and regain a sense of happiness. We will hear ourselves laugh again and rediscover play. We will embrace change and will grow.
A Spiritual Awakening will free us from the tyranny of our addiction. An awareness of being guided by a Higher Power and supported by caring friends will sustain us. Regret for the past and worry for the future will give way to living for today. We will open ourselves to the amazing possibilities of a life worth living our life.
Are these extravagant promises?
WE THINK NOT!
We have seen them fulfilled.
They are ours, if we want them and work for them.
"Double Winner" Promises
- We will no longer see ourselves as merely predators or prey.
Instead we will know ourselves to be integrated, whole, spiritual
people, and we will let gratitude replace the view of ourselves as
victims. - We will see that we are not so devastatingly complex that we
cannot be understood. We will be able to recognize what we have in
common with those we fear and resent. - We will experience our pain and anger but refuse to build shrines
to our feelings. We will grow more respectful in the way we express our
uncomfortable feelings. - We will forgive, and allow ourselves to be forgiven. We will make
peace with our past, and with all parts of ourselves. - We will no longer confuse love with sex, emotional dependency or
romantic intrigue. - We will feel at last at home in our own bones and discover
precisely how beautiful we are. - We will be committed not merely to stopping our behaviors, but to
finding a new way to live. - We will connect in honesty and integrity with our HP, our
sponsor, our fellow addicts, our partners, our families and those
around us. We will live transparent lives in which there are no secrets. - We will risk telling those truths about ourselves that cause us
the most shame. At the same time, we will develop a health sense of
caution in our relationships. - Our behavior will be in integrity with values that are rooted in
our spirituality. We will find serenity and live in peace. - The fence between addict and co–addict will be transformed by
empathy into a bridge of understanding with others. - Through trusting our Higher Power who transcends our addictions
and co–addictions, we will learn to better trust ourselves and
recognize trustworthy people.
The Unity Prayer
I put my hand in yours and together we can do what we could never do alone. No longer is there a sense of hopelessness. No longer must we each depend upon our own unsteady willpower. We are all together now, reaching out our hands for a power and strength greater than ours; and as we join hands, we find love and understanding beyond our wildest dreams.
New Member Meeting Readings
Four topics are presented and someone here will discuss the each topic as it applies to his or her program. The four topics are Twelve Steps,
Absinence, Sponsorship and Phone Lists, and Meetings.
Twelve Steps
Suggested steps, adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous, that help us recover from obsessive and compulsive sexual behavior. Having this limited amount of material to work with is a real advantage for those of us who tend to complicate our lives. The Twelve Steps are very powerful and versatile tools — simple and straightforward enough to help the new member, yet with enough substance that old–timers can always gain new insights. Following the Steps in the order in which they are presented helped us greatly, especially when we first began. Being compulsive people, we always wanted to reach our goals and “fix” things immediately.
Who would like to take two or three minutes to talk about Twelve Steps as it relates to your program?
Abstinence
Our purpose is to stay sexually sober, to abstain from sexually compulsive behavior, and to carry the message to the sex addict who still suffers. Recovery begins with abstinence from one or more specific sexual compulsions. The question arises: How do we define abstinence or sexual sobriety?
We have found it simplest to draw a circle. Inside the circle we write down specific compulsive sexual behaviors from which we feel we need to abstain. This becomes our inner circle and everything inside is totally off limits for us.
Just as there was no question that the behaviors in our inner circle were compulsive, addictive and destructive, so there is no question that the behaviors we list in our outer circle bring recovery and are
to be encouraged and practiced. Outer circle behaviors are the exact opposite of our old way of life and the practice of these actions will lift our obsessions and compulsions and bring us serenity and joy.
The middle circle is where we place behavior of which we are uncertain. Within the middle circle, there are some behaviors, which if not addressed, will eventually lead us back to our inner circle. Our experience is that if we are rigorously honest with ourselves about our middle circle behavior, we will not choose to deceive ourselves into practicing inner circle behavior.
Who would like to take two or three minutes to talk about Abstinence as it relates to your program?
Sponsorship and Phone Lists
Being a sponsor is as much a commitment to the sponsor as it is to the person being sponsored. It is not a favor. Sponsorship gives us a chance to share intimately, to care and to apply the SAA
principles more consciously than ever. If we listen to our own words, we often find that we tell those whom we sponsor exactly what we ourselves need to hear.
Besides a connection with a sponsor we have phone lists where members have provided their phone numbers. Using this phone list is very strange at first. Will the other person want to talk to
me? What if the person’s partner answers? Should I leave a message? Remember, people ask that their number be included on the phone list because they realize it is an important tool for others, and because it improves their own recovery. When leaving a message we try to be discrete and respect others’ anonymity.
Who would like to take two or three minutes to talk about Sponsorship and phone lists as they relate to your program?
Meetings
[This reading is adapted from Co–Dependents Anonymous Newcomers Handbook]
Most of us find attending meetings is necessary for recovery in SAA; that individual recovery does not occur in isolation. A Sex Addict attends meetings for his or her personal recovery, and this attendance benefits everyone. Attendance creates the group, which is in turn supportive of its members.
Different meetings have different characteristics. We recommend you try six meetings before you decide whether SAA is right for you. During that time you may want to get a temporary sponsor who can help to guide you through your first few months.
Meetings may be mixed or single–gender, hetero/homo/bi–sexual, open/closed, or any combination thereof. Agendas can also vary from meeting to meeting. Open meetings are open to members of any S–type fellowship as well as outside guests who respect our traditions of anonymity. Closed meetings are only for members who self–identify as being a part of this fellowship.
SAA is not the only sexual recovery fellowship. Other “S” programs in this area include:
| Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) | SLAA is similar to SAA, in that you define your own personal bottom line addictive behavior. SLAA focuses on compulsive relationships as well as sex addiction. |
| Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) | SA is also similar to SAA. SA focuses on lust rather than compulsive behaviors, and has a standard definition of sobriety. |
| Codependents of Sexual Addiction (COSA) | For friends and family members whose lives have been affected by another person’s compulsive sexual behavior. |
| Recovering Couples Anonymous for Sexual Recovery (RCA–S) | A twelve–step fellowship for couples. Couples (usually) attend together. One or both should be a member of a sexual recovery fellowship. |
| Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (SCA) | SCA is a 12–Step fellowship, inclusive of all sexual orientations, open to anyone with a desire to recover from sexual compulsion, using a Sexual Recovery Plan. SCA is not available in all parts of the country. |
Who would like to take two or three minutes to talk about Meetings as it relates to your program?
Newcomers and Womens Q&A Pamplet
From the SAA Womens Pamplet.
The information here applies to all new members regardless of gender or sexual orientation.
INTRODUCTION
Welcome! You have taken a brave step walking in the door
today, and we support your search for recovery. If you have a
desire to stop addictive sexual behavior of any type, you are welcome
here. We urge you to give our program a try. It has helped
many other women – of all ages, backgrounds, and sexual orientations –
find recovery from sexual addiction.
Because the first meeting can feel overwhelming, we recommend
coming to at least six meetings in the first six weeks before deciding
whether SAA is for you. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself
time to listen to others’ stories and to absorb the introductory
literature. If you are like most of us, you did not get to where
you are overnight. It will also take time to orient yourself to
this program and this new way of life – recovery.
Obsession, fantasy, promiscuity, compulsive masturbation, use of
pornography, exhibitionism, voyeurism, abusive sex with self or others,
addictive friendships, and/or other sexual acting out behaviors were
quick fixes for the pain in our lives. These led, however, to
ever more pain, shame, and isolation, in a vicious circle. In
recovery, we learn to break that cycle and to live in the light of
reality. We learn a completely new way of life, based on
spiritual principles. We do not offer a quick fix or a cure for
addiction. We have found, however, that as we embarked on the
adventure of recovery, our shame and compulsion lessened, or were
removed. One day at a time, we learned honesty, self–love, and
integrity, and enjoyed the acceptance, love, and fellowship of those
who understood us as few others could.
SOME SPECIAL CONCERNS FOR THE WOMAN NEWCOMER ATTENDING MIXED MEETINGS
1. Being the Only Woman in the Room
If this is your first time at a mixed–gender SAA meeting, you will
probably notice immediately, as you look around the room, that you are
in a minority. You may, in fact, be the only woman in the
room. Please be aware that you are in the right place.
Groups for recovery from sexual addiction are still relatively new
(approximately 20 years old in 1999). Sex addicts in recovery
often feel stigmatized in much the same way that alcoholics were 60
years ago, when Alcoholics Anonymous was born. The stigma for
female sex addicts can be even greater than it is for male addicts,
just as it was for female alcoholics in the early years of AA.
The fact that there are few other women in the room does not mean that
you don’t fit in, that you couldn’t possibly be a sex addict, or that
this program can’t work for you. It does mean that you are a
female pioneer in recovery from sexual addiction. Currently
female membership in SAA is somewhere between 15%–20% nationwide.
Thus, if you are at a meeting with less than a dozen people present,
chances are you are the only woman in the room! The percentage of
women members will continue to grow as more and more women like
yourself look for recovery from sexually addictive behavior. Be
aware that that there are many other courageous SAA women out
there. We recommend you read literature on women and sex
addiction, listen to tapes from recovering female sex addicts, and hang
in there. You are not alone.
2. Speaking at Meetings
Being a woman at a predominately male meeting can be
uncomfortable. Many women feel uncomfortable speaking in front of
men at all. The challenge can be even greater when speaking
honestly about sexual issues and behaviors, as we do in SAA. Many
men are uncomfortable sharing, too, but the urge to keep silent can be
especially strong for women, who are so often raised to defer to
men. Of course, you do not have to speak at meetings and are
always free to pass if you prefer. Our experience has shown,
however, that the shame and compulsivity associated with sexual
addiction can best be healed by sharing openly with others who
understand at meetings, we strongly encourage you to talk with a member
one–to–one after the meeting, to get a sponsor, and to use the phone
list between meetings. Remember, you have a right to speak.
You have already shown great bravery in coming to this meeting, and we
urge you not to let the predominance of men at the meeting keep you
from participating fully in this lifesaving program. Your
recovery depends on it.
3. Triggering Others at Meetings
Some women, both straight and lesbian, are uncomfortable sharing
for fear of triggering others present and attracting unwanted sexual
attention. In addition, many of us come to SAA burdened by the
belief that we are responsible for the sexual feelings and behaviors of
others. In SAA, we learn to be accountable for our own feelings
and behaviors, and to let go of unhealthy responsibility for others.
Let us stress that the issue of triggering others is a concern for
all members of a group. Because of the nature of our addiction,
it is unrealistic to assume that no one will ever be triggered at a
meeting. Instead, it’s how we cope with the triggers that is
decisive. Here are some suggestions: 1.) When in doubt, share
with a sponsor first outside the meeting. 2.) Put your own
recovery first. Share those details you need to share for the
sake of your recovery, and let others be responsible for their
reactions to your sharing. Some of us have found it helpful to
think of sharing at meetings as "sharing with God." Your Higher
Power will not get triggered! 3.) By the same token, take
responsibility for yourself if you feel triggered by someone else’s
sharing. For example, you can take care of yourself by leaving
the room temporarily, praying for the other person’s well–being,
talking with another member after the meeting, or talking with your
sponsor; expect others to do the same for themselves, if necessary.
As to the level of detail in our sharing, this needs to be worked
out over time by each individual (and each group). For example,
many group members feel it is inappropriate and unnecessarily
triggering to share graphic details of specific fantasies or
encounters. Most groups also recommend using "textbook" language
for sexual behaviors and body parts rather than slang.
Nevertheless, in order to release our shame, it is often necessary to
share precisely those details we have always kept secret. A
sponsor can help you determine if it is best to share these details
within the meeting or one–on–one with your sponsor outside the
meeting. Bottom line: Fear of triggering others should
never keep you from enjoying the benefits of working the SAA
program. You are entitled to recovery as much as anyone else in
the meeting.
4. Being Attracted to Others at Meetings
Some of us do feel superficially comfortable at predominately male
meetings, for a variety of reasons. For example, if we have
experienced abuse by women in the past, we may feel more safe with men
in general. For many straight women, our acting–out patterns led
us to identify with men much more than women; other women were seen as
uninteresting at best or threats to our supply of men at worst.
Indeed, for many of us, male sex addicts were the "drug of
choice." The predominately male atmosphere at meetings may feel
at least familiar for those reasons.
Some women may feel attracted to others at the meeting, especially
if we have acted out with other sex addicts as part of our addictive
pattern. Such feelings of attraction are an aspect of being
"triggered." If this is the case for you, be gentle with
yourself. You are not abnormal. In recovery, we learn to
cope with the familiar triggers in a new, healthier way. We learn
to relate to other sex addicts in a safe, non–sexualized way, which can
be of enormous benefit to our overall recovery.
Regardless of your sexual orientation or acting–out patterns – if
you do feel triggered by anyone at the meeting, we encourage you to
hang in there. We encourage you to speak to trusted members of
the group or a sponsor about your feelings, thereby reducing the shame
and obsession. We encourage you to pray and to surrender your
feelings to a Higher Power ("turn it over"). If the situation
feels safe, you may even choose to disclose the attraction to the
person triggering you in order to further reduce the secrecy of your
addiction. A sponsor can help you determine whether disclosure
would increase or decrease the potential for unhealthy intrigue at this
stage of your recovery. If you and your sponsor decide to
disclose, we strongly recommend praying first, and disclosing the
attraction with your sponsor or other trusted group members
present.
5. Attending Meetings with Perpetrators
Many women feel uncomfortable attending meetings at which
perpetrators of incest, child molesting, or other sex offenses are
present. This is a natural fear, usually stemming from a woman’s
own experience of past sexual abuse. It is also exacerbated by
the common fear of child molesters. The SAA program, however,
places principles above personalities and does not distinguish between
sex addicts on the basis of the acting–out behaviors which brought us
to SAA. Thus, sex addicts of all different types are represented
at any one meeting. Over time, many of us have discovered that we
share more commonalities than differences, and have even found
inspiration and healing in the example of perpetrators who are
breaking the cycle of abuse through this program. If you are
uncomfortable at first, here are some suggestions: 1.)Talk about
your feelings with another member or your sponsor. 2.) Tune out the
people who make you uncomfortable – take what you like and leave the
rest – and focus on others you feel more comfortable listening to. 3.)
Listen for feelings rather than behaviors – our actions may be
different, but our feelings are usually similar. 4.) Give
yourself time. Before coming to SAA, most of us had never been
around perpetrators who were not in denial about their
perpetrating. This can be a challenging and unfamiliar
experience. Expect some discomfort and give yourself time to
adjust. It often helps to look at our discomfort as an
opportunity for growth in the program rather than as an obstacle. 5.)
Use the Serenity Prayer; ask your Higher Power for help, serenity,
courage, and wisdom. Or pray for those in the meetings who make
you most uncomfortable. 6.) If strong feelings or fear, anxiety, or
anger persist, you may choose to work on the issues with a private
therapist or in another group focusing specifically on recovery from
sexual abuse or incest. SAA cannot endorse or refer you to
another group or therapist. However, our collective experience
suggests that sex addiction is almost always linked to some for of
childhood abuse, sexual or otherwise. Whatever your feelings,
they are normal.
6. Protecting Your Safety
It is one thing to experience uncomfortable feelings around
perpetrators. It is another to actually be placed in a
threatening situation. Some of us have, at times, felt directly
intimidated, threatened, or harassed by another member of the
group. This is not the norm at our meetings, but if it occurs,
trust your judgement and take immediate steps to protect your safety.
We recommend that you do not under any circumstances agree to meet
privately with other members who behave in a harassing, threatening, or
seductive manner. As a newcomer, be aware that any attempt at
seduction or flirtation by another member in completely inappropriate
and threatening to your recovery. You are under no obligation to
meet with such people or to respond to their advances. Be firm in
avoiding them and in seeking out safe (non–sexual) contacts for support
and encouragement in early recovery. When in doubt, check it out
with another member or your sponsor.
At times, the climate of a particular group may simply be too
threatening for women to attend safely. Again, trust your
judgement and do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your
recovery. Here are some suggestions for working on your recovery
if you are unable to attend your local meeting, either temporarily or
permanently: 1.) Contact the International Service Organization
of SAA or your local inter–group for a female pen–pal or women
volunteers who can sponsor you by email or phone. Support is
available for "loners" who cannot attend meetings. 2.) Consider
starting a women&rsdash;s–only SAA group in your area. 3.) Consider attending
open meetings of other 12–step fellowships in your area. 4.) Read
literature on women in recovery and listen to tapes from
recovering female sex addicts. 5;) Work with a sponsor you trust
even if you cannot attend meetings safely. Your recovery comes
first!
In general, group experience has shown that "unsafe" people who
are not really interested in recovery do not find what they are looking
for at SAA and to not tend to stay with the group for long.
Therefore, if at all possible, we urge you to hang in there, keep in
close contact with safe group members, take care of yourself, and trust
the process.
As a final note, some women feel uncomfortable placing their phone
numbers on the group phone list, which is distributed to newcomers and
other members. No one is required to put their number on the
list. You may choose, instead, to give your phone number out only
to trusted members whom you select.
7. Coping With Inappropriate Comments/Feedback/Behavior
Under normal circumstances, you and your group can weather
occasional bumps by trusting in a Higher Power and the process of
recovery. Since we are all sex addicts suffering from the same
disease and imperfect human beings, it is quite possible that any of us
could behave inappropriately at some point or another. This is
especially true in early recovery, when many of us need to learn new,
healthier boundaries around our talk and behavior. Examples of
less serious but still inappropriate behavior include making sexual
jokes or graphic comments, crosstalk in a meeting, or hugging
inappropriately. If the person behaving inappropriately is an
otherwise trusted member of the group, you may feel safe confronting
him/her directly (which can be a healthy and positive experience for
everyone’s recovery!). We recommend checking this out with your
sponsor ahead of time and/or asking your sponsor to be present when
confronting another member. However, we also recommend being open
to feedback from your sponsor regarding your own behavior in the group.
8. Choosing a Sponsor
Finally, when selecting a sponsor, we suggest that you choose
someone for whom you do not feel any attraction or intrigue.
Choosing a sponsor is critical for providing support and guidance
through the program. Be selective; you need to protect yourself
and your recovery. For most women, another woman is the best
sponsor, especially in early recovery. In groups with few female
sponsors to chose from, our experience has been that many women have
found excellent sponsors in gay male members. You may also
consider contacting your local inter–group to put you in touch with
potential female sponsors in your area. A good general guideline
is to choose a sponsor who has been in the program at least one year,
whose recovery you respect, and with whom you do not feel any sexual
vibes – whether the prospective sponsor is male or female, gay,
straight, or bisexual.
9. Hugs and Physical Contact
At many meetings, it is customary to close by standing in a circle
holding hands and to recite a prayer (usually the Serenity Prayer or
the Lord&rsdash;s Prayer). Some groups may stand in a circle with their
arms around each other. Whatever form the closing may take, it is
a symbol of our unity and mutual support in recovery from sexual
addiction. However, many people, especially women, may be
uncomfortable with this physical contact, especially at first.
Others may be uncomfortable with the prayer. No on is required to
participate. It is perfectly acceptable to remain silent, to
stand outside the circle, or to hold hands rather than put your arms
around others, as you chose. You have a right to refuse hugs and
to be selective about hugs. It is perfectly all right to accept a
hug from one member, shake hands with another, and avoid all physical
contact with a third. Trust your intuition; you have the right to
say no. If anybody pressures you, back off, and find somebody
else to talk to, such as a sponsor. In recovery, we learn to take
responsibility for ourselves and to set boundaries with our physical
bodies. Meetings are a safe place to learn to practice setting
those boundaries. Many of us have found that at the beginning of
recovery, we were uncomfortable with hugs and other physical contact,
because we did not know how to hug in a non–sexualized way or in a way
that did not make us feel like victims of another’s sexual
desires. Over time, as we learned to set and trust our own
boundaries, we became more comfortable hugging. We discovered
that when hugs are a choice, rather than an obligation or a compulsion,
they can feel very different, and can even feel good. Be patient
with yourself in learning to make this choice.
In addition, some of us have used seductive physical contact as a
part of our addictive behavior. Therefore, restraint is
recommended. Be aware that some men may choose not to hug you or
other women at meetings and need to protect their boundaries as
well. A good guideline when in doubt is to ask first, and then to
give a shoulder hug rather than a full–body hug.
Literature for Newcomers, Women, and Sex Addiction
Literature on women and sex addiction is available. Ask your
sponsor for recommendations. Many groups have recovery tapes and
literature available for sale or loan. Tapes and literature can
also be ordered directly from the International Service Organizations
(ISO) of SAA via phone 1–800–477–8191 or SAA website at
http://www.saa–recovery.org.
There you will find SAA pamplets on Internet addiction, First Steps Guide,
Developing your Sobriety Circles, and other recovery literature. The 2008
Convention – Women’s Brunch tape may be helpful to both men and women.
Some Suggested Guidelines (Summary):
- Come to at least six meetings within six weeks.
- Read program literature.
- Get a temporary sponsor. We recommend choosing someone you feel safe with and to whom you do not feel attracted.
- Talk to others – at meetings, after the meeting, between
meetings. Use the phone list and call others for support if you
are feeling a compulsion to act out.- Use the Serenity Prayer.
- Make a preliminary list of "inner circle" behaviors (see pamphlet on "Three Circles").
- Put your recovery first. Don’t let others pressure you into silence.
- You are entitled to recovery as anyone else in the meeting.
- You have a right to set comfortable physical boundaries at meetings.
- Be gentle with yourself. Do not expect an overnight cure.
- Give yourself credit for being the incredibly brave person you are!
- Keep coming back! We’re glad you’re here and we look forward to walking the path of recovery with you.